Deteriorata

Go placidly among the noise and waste, and remember what comfort there may
be in owning a piece thereof. * Avoid quiet and passive persons unless 
you are in need of sleep. * Rotate your tires. * Speak glowingly of those 
greater than yourself and heed well their advice even though they be 
turkeys; know what to kiss, and when. * Consider that two wrongs never make 
a right, but three do. * Wherever possible, put people on hold. * Be 
comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment and despite 
the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big fortune in computer 
maintenence.  *Remember the Pueblo. * Strive at all times to bend, fold, 
spindle and mutilate. * Know yourself; if you need help, call the FBI. * 
Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to you.  That lemon on 
your left, for instance. * Be assured that a walk through the ocean of 
most souls would scarcely get your feet wet. * Fall not in love therefore, 
it will stick to your face. * Gracefully surrender the things of youth, 
birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan; and let not the sands of time get in your 
lunch. * Hire people with hooks. * For a good time call 606-4311; ask for 
Ken. *  Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally 
getting enough cheese; and reflect that whatever misfortune may be your 
lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee. * You are a fluke of the 
Universe; you have no right to be here, and whether you hear it or not, 
the universe is laughing behind your back. * Therefore make peace with
your God whatever you conceive him to be: Hairy Thunderer or Cosmic
Muffin. * With all its hopes, dreams, promises and urban renewal, the world
continues to deteriorate. * Give up. 

**
by Tony Hendra
Found in an old National Lampoon, dated 1972