John Michael Scalzi, II (scalzi@cris.com) wrote:
:    The following is an e-mail I sent to Newt Gingrich, in the wake of the
: discovery of his comments on the biological urge of men to "hunt giraffes"
: and to wallow in ditches "like little piglets":

: To: Georgia6@hr.house.gov
: From: Scalzi@cris.com (John M. Scalzi, II)
: Subject: Giraffe Poll by Journalist.
: Cc: 
: Bcc:
: X-Attachments: 
: Dear Mr. Gingrich:
:    My name is John Scalzi, and I am a columnist for the Fresno Bee in
: Fresno, California. In the days since the unearthing of your comments
: about men, women, combat, and the biological drive for men to hunt
: giraffes, I have taken it upon myself to conduct a poll to see whether
: that innate giraffe-hunting urge (and the little piglet wallowing urge) is
: in fact alive and well in the average American male. 
:    While the sample polled is statistically small (50 men, basically
: whomever was handy at the time) and largely comprised of white,
: college-educated, gainfully employed males, I nevertheless feel that the
: information gleaned from this poll will be of some value to someone,
: somewhere, some time. Perhaps you yourself, should the subject of
: instinctual giraffe slaughtering come up again. Certainly for me, as it
: takes up the bulk of my column, to be published this Wednesday, January
: 25. 
:    Thank you for your time, and happy hunting and/or wallowing, whichever
: the case may be. 

: 1. Have you ever hunted a giraffe?
: Yes: 0%
: No: 100%

: 2. Have you ever had the urge to hunt a giraffe? 
: Yes:4%
: No: 96%

: 3. Provided the right tools and the time, would you hunt a giraffe? 
: Yes: 8%
: No: 92%

: 4. If not a giraffe, would you hunt another African savannah animal? 
: Yes: 20%
: No: 80%

: 5. If you had to hunt an African savannah animal, which of the following
: would you choose? 
: a) Zebra: 2%
: b) Rhino: 6%
: c) Meerkat: 12%
: d) Boar: 42%
: e) Any creature that appeared in "The Lion King": 36% 

: 6. Do you think giraffe would taste like chicken? 
: Yes: 38%
: No: 62%

: 7. Might it not make more sense not to hunt giraffe, but rather to set up
: giraffe ranches? 
: Yes: 92%
: No: 8%

: 8. When you see Geoffrey, the Toys 'R' Us giraffe, do you ever get the
: urge to stick him with a spear? 
: Yes: 40%
: No: 60%

: 9. Do you expect that Newt Gingrich has ever had the urge to hunt a
: giraffe? Yes: 74%
: No: 26%

: 10. If Newt Gingrich were to hunt a giraffe, would he use tools, or simply
: his own mouth? 
: Tools: 48%
: Mouth: 52%

: 11. Would you rather hunt a giraffe, or wallow in a ditch like a little
: piglet? Hunt: 30%
: Wallow: 70%

: 12. Would you generally describe yourself as a little piglet? 
: Yes: 22%
: No: 78%

: 13. Would you describe Newt Gingrich as a little piglet? 
: Yes: 54%
: No: 46%

: 14. If you could, would you hunt Newt Gingrich? 
: Yes: 58%
: No: 42%

: 15. Would Newt Gingrich taste like chicken? 
: Yes: 18%
: No: 82%

: c.1995 John Scalzi

: John M. Scalzi, II