This story was related by Pat in Winnipeg, Ontario about a repair
call he handled while living in England.  It's common practice in
England to ring a telephone by signaling extra voltage across one
side of the two-wire circuit and ground (earth in England).  When
the  subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two-wire
circuit for the conversation.  This method allows two parties on the
same line to be signaled without disturbing each other.

Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called;  and that on the
few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first.  Pat
proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.  He climbed
a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring.  He tried again.  The dog
barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.

Climbing down from the pole, Pat found:

a.      The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an
        iron chain and collar.

b.      The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.

c.      After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and
        urinating on the ground.

d.      The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would
        ring.

Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.
 -**********************************************************************-
A mother and her son were flying TWA from Kansas to Chicago. The son
(who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big
dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have
baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess , "If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

He said that she had.

So she said, "Tell your mother that TWA always pulls out on time."
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 There was this fella with a parrot.  And this parrot swears
 like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol.  He can swear for five
 minutes straight without repeating himself.  Trouble is, the guy
 who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul
 mouth is driving him crazy.   One day, it gets to be too much, so
 the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and
 yells, "QUIT IT!"  But this just makes the bird mad and he swears
 more than ever.   Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you."
 and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.  This really aggravates
 the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally
 lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities
 that would make a veteran sailor blush.

 At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird
 into the freezer.  For the first few seconds there is a terrible
 din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes.  Then it suddenly
 gets *VERY* quiet.   At first the guy just waits, but then he
 starts to think that the bird may be hurt.  After a couple of
 minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer
 door.

 The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and
 says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you.  I'll do my
 best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

 The man is astounded.  He can't understand the
 transformation that has come over the parrot.  Then the parrot
 says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
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DUBIOUS ACHEIVEMENT AWARDS -- BRITISH DIVISION

The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals)
for dubious distinctions.

Tortoise Trophy

To British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the
InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include
trains arriving within one hour of schedule.

Rubber Cushion

To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream
and glued his buttocks together.

Crimewatch Cup

Gold star: To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a
stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large
capital letters the words "Henry Smith". His lawyer told the court: "My
client is not a very bright young man."

Silver star: To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb
threat, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that 
he began screaming "Call me back!" and left his phone number.

Bronze star: To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with
his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.

British Cup

To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria, who
averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral
sex and then moved on to intercourse ... but complained when the pair lit up
post-coital cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.

Flying Cross

To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft,
having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race, and was immediately eaten by a
cat.  Alas, the 90-minute delay resulting from finding his remains and 
handing his ID tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third place.

Lazarus Laurel

To Julia Carson, who as her tearful family gathered round her coffin in
a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was
going on. Celebrations were short-lived, due to the fact that Mrs. Carson's
daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.

Silver Bullet

To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an
overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.