Rules for Choosing a superhero name
 
 * Don't call yourself by your real name, e.g.
         Mr Fred Pinchuck
         The Amazing Stevie Foster
 
 * Don't call yourself by someone else's real name, e.g.
         Mr Teddy Kennedy
         Captain Dean Martin
 
 * Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess, e.g.
         Captain Power
         Thunderman
         Mr. Invincible
         Justiceman
 
 * But don't labour the point eg,
         Mr.So-F***ing-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy
 
 * Don't be too modest, e.g.
         Mr Pretty Good
         Captain So-So
         Fairly Incredible Man
 
 * Don't choose a name detrimental to your crimefighting image, e.g.
         Captain Spongecake
         Mr Asshole
         Yellow Streak
         Purple Helmet
         Captain Evil
         Dr. Shit-For-Brains
 
 * Don't choose a name with a sexual double meaning. For example, AC/DC
   man is not a good name for a man with electrical powers.
 
 * Don't choose the name of an existing superhero unless you have lots
   of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
 
 * It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power
> >   is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital
> >   hole-in-the-heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.
> > 
> > * Don't call yourself The Invisible Boy...if you're not.
> > 
> > * Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy...if you're a girl.
> > 
> > * Don't call yourself the Invisible Lady...if you're a man--even if you
> > 
> >   do feel like a woman trapped in a man's body
> > 
> > * Don't give away any important information in your name e.g. The Glass
> > 
> >   Jaw, Captian Vulnerable to Strontium 90.
> > 
> > * Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume,
> >   you'll confuse people
> > 
> > 
> > Good and Bad Things To Keep In Your Crimecave
> > 
> > Good: Robot doubles
> > Bad:  Rubber women
> > 
> > Good: Presidential Hotline
> > Bad:  Mickey Mouse or Garfield phone
> > 
> > Good: Detailed map of the city
> > Bad:  Color poster of New Kids On the Block
> > 
> > Good: Crime library
> > Bad:  Stash of stroke mags
> > 
> > Good: Youe Crimemobile on a turntable
> > Bad:  Skateboard and ramp
> > 
> > Good: Sickbay and Auto-Medic Center
> > Bad:  Tin of Band-Aids
> > 
> > Good: Spare costumes
> > Bad:  Basques and peep-hole bras for the rubber women
> > 
> > Good: Computerized intruder detection system linked to multiplex alarm
> > Bad:  Piece of cotton stretched across door tied to a small bell
> > 
> > Good: Forensic analysis laboratory
> > Bad:  Whiskey still
> > 
> > Good: City in a bottle, shrunk by your arch enemy
> > Bad:  Jar of candy
> > 
> > Good: Teleportation tube
> > Bad:  Bus timetable
> > 
> > Good: Scale model of the galaxy showing life-sustaining planets
> > Bad:  Model railroad layout
> > 
> > Good: Trophy room to display crimefighting and bodybuilding awards
> > Bad:  Trophy room to display bowling awards
> > 
> > Good: Computerized crime files on diskettes
> > Bad:  Collection of Anthrax CD's
> > 
> > Good: Secret emergency exit
> > Bad:  Cat flap
> > 
> > Good: Weapon calibration tester
> > Bad:  Pinball machine
> > 
> > Good: Gymnasium and fitness center
> > Bad:  Fridge full of TV dinners, cold pizza and ice cream
> > 
> > Good: Mainframe crime computer
> > Bad:  Nintendo entertainment system
> > 
> > Good: Hi-octane jet fuel storage for Crimemobile
> > Bad:  Minibar stocked with beer
> > 
> > Good: Self-contained power generating system
> > Bad:  Electricity meter and piles of loose change
> > 
> > Good: Combat simulation area
> > Bad:  Trivial Pursuit set
> > 
> > 
> > 
> > Sidekicks
> > 
> > Advantages of a Boy Wonder
> > * They can watch your back in the thick of a fight.
> > * They can carry your accessory belt if you're feeling lazy
> > * They make you look taller and hunkier by comparison.
> > * They're small and supple enough to wriggle out of their bonds and
> > free
> >   you from Puffinmaster's diabolical death trap--just in time!
> > * They're just about the right height for headbutting or biting a super
> > 
> >   villain in the nuts--which makes them a force to be feared in the
> >   criminal underworld!
> > * They're someone you can explain the plot to for the benefit of
> >   particularly slow readers.
> > * They can give your comic a vital sales boost--simply by getting
> >   themselves killed
> > * When they die, you have an excuse to go on a protracted frenzied
> > rampage
> >   of violent revenge--and keep those sales figures high!
> > 
> > 
> > Disadvantages of a Boy Wonder
> > 
> > * They'd much rather stay in and play Nintendo than go out on patrol
> > * They get shy and awkward when confronted by a female supervillain
> > * They pick their noses when you're with the Police Commissioner
> > * They want to wear a Walkman into combat
> > * People talk...
> > * A 13-year-old boy is no match for a 210-lb criminal sociopath with a
> >   death-ray glare
> > * They go into a sulk if you won't play a twelve-day game of Dungeons &
> > 
> >   Dragons with them
> > * They embarrass you by whistling at girls out of the Crimemobile
> > * They never tidy up after themselves in the Crimecave, so the whole
> > place
> >   quickly gets littered with dirty t-shirts, comics, skateboards, apes,
> > 
> >   discarded bubblegum, catcher's mitts, smelly socks, half-eaten candy
> > bars,
> >   half-finished model cars, long forgotten packets of contraceptives
> >   bought in a moment of supreme bravado and overconfidence, dirty
> > plates,
> >   CDs out of their cases, stroke mags, tubes of acne cream, and
> > crumpled
> >   tissues
> > * They don't wash, so they smell.
> > * They think it's funny to suddenly fart in public.
> > * They can easily be taunted by supervillains into bursting into tears
> > and
> >   running off--simply by pointing and shouting, "Virgin, Virgin! Look
> >   everybody there's a virgin Boy Wonder over here!"
> > * They'll quite happily play stickball in the midst of $20 million
> > worth
> >   of delicate criminology lab equipment.
> > * They get carsick in the Crimemobile
> > * In the midst of battle, it's futile to yell, "Battle maneuver 18,
> > chum!"
> >   -- because chances are they can't count up that high
> > * They call you things like 'The Big Enchillada' or 'Super-Dude'
> > * They get zits and look real unsightly
> > * They think your bald spot is hilarious
> > * They talk crap
> > * They make you feel very old
> > 
> > 
> > 
> > Advantages of a Girl Wonder
> > 
> > * They look much better than a Boy Wonder
> > * People don't automatically assume that you're, you know, that way...
> > * Overall, they're much more intelligent and mature than boys of the
> > same age
> > * People think you must be OK to be seen in the company of such a hot
> > babe
> > * Supervillains get dead jealous of you
> > * You might get lucky
> > 
> > 
> > Disadvantages of a Girl Wonder
> > 
> > * They're always holding slumber parties in the Crimecave
> > * One tiny zit and they're out of action for at least two weeks
> > * They insist on having at least a dozen different costumes to wear
> > * They won't fight crime if Michael Jackson is on MTV
> > * They won't fight crime if they're waiting for a phonecall
> > * Other superheroes will try to steal her away from you
> > * They kill people when they're premenstrual
> > * They jam up the Emergency Crime Hotline with calls to Tammi,
> > Samantha,
> >   Jo-Jo,Mindy,Mandi,Shelley,Bernice, Pam,Tina,Linda,Sandy,Crissy,the
> >   Berkowitz Twins--and Jim
> > * If you receive an emergency call at 2am and their hair's in curlers
> > --
> >   forget it!
> > * They're no use for fighting Tarantula Man or Rat Master
> > * Their approach to fighting supervillains tends to be strictly limited
> > to
> >   pulling his hair, slapping his face or hitting him with a shoe
> > * They get crushes on your arch enemy because "He's like so totally
> > dark
> >   an' mysterious an' mean an' moody but that's only 'cause someone
> > musta
> >   rilly hurt him bad one time. I can tell.. Etc. etc. etc."
> > * They won't watch your back in combat if you failed to notice their
> > new
> >   hair style
> > * They get upset if you and your arch enemy start shouting at each
> > other
> >   during battle
> > 
> > 
> > Good Things to Put Down Your Tights Before Battle
> > 
> > * Titanium steel plating
> > * Electronic groinal defense shield
> > * Socks (they sexually intimidate insecure supervillains)
> > * Acid-resistant gonad shroud
> > * Asbestos fire-blanket
> > * Electromagnetic scrotal forcefield generator
> > * Love Blob auto-security screen
> > * Genital-seeking missile repulsor unit
> > * Bulletproof penile shaft armor
> > * Your Girl Wonder's hands
> > * Your Girl Wonder's head
> > * All of the above, simultaneously
> > 
> > 
> > Bad Things to Put Down Your Tights Before Battle
> > 
> > * Glass jockstrap
> > * Epileptic lobsters
> > * Bear trap with a dodgy spring
> > * Napalm
> > * 5 lbs. of wriggling cockroaches (unless it intimidates supervillains)
> > * 4 gallons of quick-drying cement
> > * Your barbed-wire collection
> > * Your stuffed porcupine lucky mascot
> > * Strawberry jam
> > * Genital-seeking missile
> > * Your Boy Wonder's hands
> > * You Boy Wonder's head
> > * A piece of modern sculpture consisting entirely of razor blades
> > 
> > 
> > Supervillains You Want to Tackle
> > 
> > * Fishpaste Sandwich Maker
> > * Baron Scaredy-Cat
> > * The Crochet Master
> > * Mr. White Knuckles
> > * Nosebleed Boy
> > * Dr. Scared Shitless
> > * Bondage Damsel
> > * Sissy Man
> > * Fellatio Lass
> > 
> > 
> > Supervillains to Avoid
> > 
> > * Emitorr, the Nuclear Radiation Man
> > * Thargorr the Planet Crusher
> > * Dr. Slaughterhouse
> > * Garth, the Gonad Detonator Supreme
> > * Dr. Disemboweller
> > * The Slasher From Beyond the Stars
> > * Krisparr the Incinerator
> > * Sun-Up, the Solar Sodomizer
> > * Fellatio Lad
> > * Mr. Rip-Your-Nuts-Off-And-Eat-Them-In-Front-Of-You